Without Knowing the Darkness, How Can We Experience Joy?

Allowing ourselves to let the light back in (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

And what if we get stuck in the sadness?

Sometimes, when I look back at my journey of darkness, I wonder how I will ever be able to connect to the light again.

I know a little girl is inside me carrying this vibration.

Do you remember as well?

The wonder, the magic, the miracle of every new day. The excitement of new discoveries. The bliss of playing with a pet or running through the forest, climbing the trees and picking the flowers. When I was small, I couldn’t wait for the new day to come. I was out of bed quickly, deeply inhaling the beauty around me and whatever wonder the new day might bring. Everything felt exciting. I was keen to try new things. I was curious and I marveled at the world unfolding around me.

Then I grew up.

I lost the little girl somewhere on the way. Life became hard and difficult. There was so much darkness around me.

“Where there is the deepest darkness, there is also the brightest light. Where there is despair, sadness and grief, there is also limitless joy, beauty and bliss. Two sides of the same coin, one is impossible without the other. They depend on each other to be seen, noticed, and experienced.”

From my diary

I understand there must be duality to experience one emotion or the other. Without knowing the darkness, how can I appreciate my joy?

• But, what if I won’t be able to go back into the joy?

• What if I get stuck in the space of darkness?

• For the rest of my life?

I have asked myself these questions frequently. The thought scares me.

But what is it that ultimately scares me?

I know I need to dig deeper. It is not as simple as it looks. It never is.

I notice my attempts to block out any feelings. As an empath, I get overwhelmed by feelings because I can pick up other people’s energies (read more here). It is not a question of feeling too little; it is a matter of feeling too much. I realize I must have set up a protective fortress on the way, maybe in my childhood, my teenage years, or in my young adulthood. Maybe the wall started out as thin and patchy and I added to it throughout the years, making it stronger so I would be able to function in the world.

I never understood my emotions. Well, of course I didn’t. Many of them weren’t mine. Only, I didn’t know this back then. So I did what I could to protect myself. I set up the walls.

What I didn’t realize is I didn’t only block out fear, pain, and grief. I also blocked out joy, bliss, and peace. I couldn’t just block out one set of emotions. It was nothing or the whole lot. Not that I chose any of this consciously. It was a protective pattern, and I am grateful for it. I don’t think I would have survived otherwise. I might have gone insane, who knows.

My healing journey led to a slow disassembling of the fortress. Every layer that went down released the pain, fear, grief I had locked in. I cried. And cried. And cried. It felt endless. Stuck in the darkness. More pain. More fear. Another layer. More grief. So it went.

Along the way, I learned tools to clear my space and release foreign energies. I picked up bits and pieces of my lost self and slowly put it back together. I feel more whole and authentic than in a long time. I feel closer to the little girl again, the one who loves the beauty of this planet.

Still, I get afraid.

• What if I allowed my emotions to flow freely, all the time, no restrictions, no more fortresses?

• Would I be safe?

• Or would I tune into the despair and darkness again?

• Would I be swallowed by the fear clouds billowing on our planet?

I think this is what still scares me. I don’t yet trust myself enough. I don’t yet believe I can stay focused and centered on my space – the one I can clear, the one that belongs to me, the one I can influence because this is where my power lies.

Maybe it’s time to leap.

Leap into the unknown and let it unfold.

Maybe it is time I committed to letting in joy once more.