I Didn’t Believe in Meditation and Now I Do It Daily
Meditation was difficult until I discovered ‘walking meditation’ (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)
Yes, it wasn’t easy, and yes, it is worth it
Had anyone told me ten years ago, I’d meditate daily, I would have laughed.
I didn’t believe in meditation. I didn’t get why anyone would meditate. It seemed like a waste of time.
However, today, I do meditate daily. Sometimes, I even meditate twice per day. Note to my younger self: You’d be surprised by what is in store for you.
Let’s look at how I went from a ‘non-believer’ to an active practitioner
When I dropped into my latest deep depression, I was facing multiple health challenges. None of my standard remedies provided relief, such as sports, exercise, sleep, or change of diet. If you want details on this part of my healing story, check it out here .
I silently cried out for help.
Help arrived in the form of books.
Every single book I picked up during that time spoke of the benefits of meditation.
I had hit rock bottom. I didn’t know what else to do, so I was finally willing to give it a go.
The process was not straightforward at all
Even though I had books advising me, I had to figure out by myself what kind of practice worked and what didn’t. I suppose this is the most important message I’d like to pass on. If you are willing to try meditation – and yes, I do totally recommend it – it takes a lot of practice, like everything new we try. You’ll have to figure out for yourself what resonates with you.
I remember how I started. I felt self-conscious, mainly because I’d held the belief that meditation was somehow ‘crazy’. Engaging with what I had previously laughed at brought up shame issues. I was trying to change a pattern, but I didn’t want to be caught doing it. I waited until everyone left the house for the day before I tried.
The books basically stated: “Sit down, close your eyes, focus on your breath. When your mind takes over, consciously go back to your breath.”
So this is what I followed.
I had no idea how hard this would be
My mind did not allow me to focus on my breath. It was a complete struggle. Eventually, I fell asleep. This happened almost every single time I tried to meditate. Looking back, I think my body was secretly relieved because it was finally given permission to relax. I was so exhausted from pushing beyond my boundaries, I needed extra sleep to heal and regenerate. Sitting down to meditate was an entry door into my healing sleep and my body jumped at it.
After a while, however, I felt self-conscious. Wasn’t I supposed to go into a blissful state while meditating? Why was this not happening? Why did I always fall asleep? I thought I was doing this meditation thing all wrong.
Next, I tried guided meditations. They are on offer in abundance, paid or free, and plenty of apps are available. I played around with different forms. Sometimes, when I started a meditation, I had a weird feeling in my guts. In those moments, I usually stopped to find another meditation. Sometimes, with guided meditations, I could stay awake, but often I still fell asleep, to wake up to the closing words. Many of these guided meditations focus on healing various aspects of self. Inner child healing, chakra healing, and self-forgiveness are just a few topics. I now believe whenever I needed healing in a particular area – and my mind blocked me from dropping into a state where healing could take place – my soul simply stepped in to send me to sleep so the healing could proceed.
Still, I felt I was missing out on the magic of meditation by continuously falling asleep.
How could I get beyond my conscious mind without snoozing off?
In his blog, Dr Joe Dispenza talks about how to get beyond the thinking mind:
The analytical mind is what separates the conscious mind from the subconscious mind. The way we get beyond the analytical mind is by slowing down our brainwaves from beta to alpha brainwave states…… what we want to do in our meditation is to slow down our brainwaves in order to suppress the activity in our thinking brain or neocortex, otherwise known as the seat of your conscious mind. The neocortex is always busy trying to analyze and make sense of the outer world, but if we close our eyes and tune out the incoming sensory information, our brainwaves begin moving from beta to alpha. Alpha brainwaves are essentially a resting state of the body, which allows us to dream or imagine more creatively in pictures and images. In a very real way, the voice in our head that is always talking to us quiets down, and as a result, we become less analytical. This is how we move beyond the thinking mind.
https://blog.drjoedispenza.com/the-role-of-brainwaves-in-meditation-part-i
Quieting my mind was difficult. I couldn’t command it to simply “shut up”. That didn’t work. I felt like a little doorway existed between the realm of being conscious and dropping into sleep which I usually passed by without being able to slip through. Next stop was waking up again.
I then heard of the concept of moving meditation. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep while moving, would I?
I tried getting into a deeper brainwave pattern on my runs. The first twenty minutes were the usual shebang: mind chattering, talking, throwing stuff at me. But then, something happened. My body really had to focus on its breathing pattern so it would get me through my runs, which last about an hour. The result was deep, continuous breathing.
In on three, out on four. In on three, out on four. In on three, out on four.
Step by step, over and over again.
Within minutes I slipped into a steady rhythm. My mind went quiet. There was nothing, but me and my breath.
It took some time for me to realize how perfect my running, or walking, routines were to get into a deep space of concentration. Here was the meditative magic I had been looking for.
I learned this was a space I could use for inner communication, to connect with my intuition, to ask questions, and to receive guidance. Answers came in, not always straight away, and often I still missed them. But I knew what it felt like, and that was a huge step forward on my path to connecting with my inner truth.
Ultimately, this is what makes meditation so important for me: to discern my inner truth from whatever else is floating around, to connect to my inner knowing, to work with my intuition, to know who I am and what my values are. This would not be possible without moving past the conscious, analytical mind. For me, moving meditation was the answer to help me beyond this space.
