Did I Amplify Our Pain by Projecting My Neediness?

The waves of forgiveness washing over us (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

I am sorry, please forgive me

The consequences of human neediness

I think we all are in need. In need of love and full acceptance. We cannot get this from the outside even though we try really hard. The answer can always only be to connect within as the outer world is merely a reflection of the inner world. Love, completion and fulfillment can always only be experienced sustainably on the inside.

I didn’t know about this, so I diligently tried all the avenues available with the goal to fill myself up and deal with my neediness: friends, boyfriends, food, alcohol, dancing, to name a few. I think the closest to feeling complete was when I was dancing, in a complete trance, often lost on the dance floor for hours, just me, my breathing, my body, the rhythm hammering through me. This was when I felt most alive. This was when I did not need anything else to fill me. This was when I felt whole.

Being in the “now” moment

But why didn’t this feeling stay? And what was it that brought me so close to wholeness while dancing? I believe the answer lies in “completely being in the moment”. When I am dancing, there is nothing else. I let go. The music flows through me. My body moves with each moment anew and I fully surrender into the experience. Usually, I close my eyes. Nothing but the inner world guides me.

So, if the body is the entry point to ourselves, and if this entry can only be found in the “now” moment, dancing for me is the perfect way to get there. Music opens me up emotionally, the body movement helps me release stuck energies. And then, eventually, comes the moment of oneness where nothing else counts but the movement in alignment and coherence with the music and with the now moment. Such beauty.

The two sides of projecting neediness

I could never replicate this feeling of completion in “normal” life, outside of my Saturday night disco evenings, but I believe I was hunting for it non-stop. In “real” life, I spent most of my time not connected with my body. Instead, I was in my head, analyzing, planning or plotting, getting lost in the future or the past. I was never in the present moment or present within, but somewhere else.

I was never satisfied. In hindsight, I feel sorry about the pressure I have put on the people around me, expecting them to complete me when they would never be able to. Was this damaging to my friendships or relationships? How much pain did I cause by projecting my neediness on others? Today, I want to say “I am sorry” and I would like to ask for forgiveness to each and every single one of you who I’ve hurt and put under pressure, whenever I extended my neediness hoping someone else would rescue me.

At the same time, of course, I fulfilled the role of rescuer; something I only came to realize during my healing journey. I genuinely wanted to connect with people. As an empath, I feel their pain, their core, their essence. I wanted to help make them feel safe, not acknowledging I could never be the filler of their void. And yes, maybe that was another method of trying to fill my own void. How often was I projecting my own neediness assuming someone wanted to be rescued whereas in fact I was looking for a rescue strategy for myself? How often did I provide a “fake” sense of fulfillment when I could never have fixed someone? I genuinely want to extend my “I am sorry” to anyone I have tried to rescue without acknowledging their actual needs. Please forgive me.

Forgiveness as a new step

Reflecting on this, could it be that we as human beings are caught in an endless dance of trying to fill our own voids? Moving back and forth, trying different strategies, different ways, different tools. One step forward, two steps aside, three steps back, round and round. Sometimes working hand in hand with someone, sometimes casting blame for our own misery, sometimes projecting into the world, sometimes using numbing or distracting behaviors, sometimes feeling the futility of the exercise, and sometimes craving the help of the ones who love us.

After all, we are all human. Connection is essential. And we don’t always manage to find that safe space within.

So, I am extending the forgiveness to myself: I am sorry for all the times I felt alone, hurt, needy, helpless, and lost. I am sorry for all the times I futilely tried filling my inner void, for everything I had to endure on my journey back to myself. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.