How to Change the Deep Patterns of Disappointment in Self
Acknowledging my innate beauty (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)
Enough is enough
I recently discovered a deep pattern. When I observe my mind, I find an incessant chatter of:
Past mishaps
Words better not said
Situations I should have handled more maturely
… all running in an infinite loop.
Why is that so?
What is the common ground in these thinking patterns?
What does my mind want to achieve by replaying stories of the past?
What is the common denominator?
Then, it hit me. It’s all about disappointment. Disappointment with myself:
I should have done better
I could have done better
I should not have said this
I should have controlled myself more
I should have been open
I shouldn’t have judged or blamed
Eckhart Tolle talks about the pain-body in “The Power of Now”. The pain-body holds a residue of every emotional pain we have experienced when in an unconscious state, i.e., when we are not in the present “Now” moment. It acts like a:
“negative energy field that occupies your body and mind.”
Tolle compares it to an invisible entity in its own right. According to Tolle, the pain-body can take on different forms.
“Some pain–bodies are obnoxious but relatively harmless, for example like a child who won’t stop whining. Others are vicious and destructive monsters, true demons. Some are physically violent, many more are emotionally violent. Some will attack people around you or close to you, while others may attack you, their host. Thoughts and feelings you have about your life then become deeply negative and self-destructive.” P. 37
Yes, that would be me. My pain-body always lashes out at me.
I feel I am mostly generous and understanding with other people, mainly accepting and accommodating of their flaws. I can understand why people react or act in a certain way. I can see through the pain behind the actions and that, in the end, ultimately, it’s all about love and wanting to be loved.
So, why don’t I grant myself the same?
I have placed high, I guess almost impossible, expectations on myself. I know I am a perfectionist. I feel I always need to give at least 150%. I always want to be gentle, kind, accommodating, hard-working, performing, etc. You name it.
What I fail to recognize is the pressure this is putting on me. Even though I have worked on de-cluttering my life on almost every level, I am not allowing myself to relax or just be.
I am chasing a mission I feel I need to accomplish. This is spurring me into doing more.
But wait, is this really true?
I observe that I cannot force good writing. Good writing comes when I feel inspired. I have days when my inspiration is not flowing at all. I accept this and focus on other activities. My actions show me how to move with the cycles of creativity. But my mind does not agree. It chides me. It gnaws on me. It is unsatisfied. It wants me to produce more, push more, and achieve more.
I know I need to balance my rest time with my productivity. They are equally important. Why does my mind not want to see this? Why is my pain-body triggered at every “perceived failure”? Even when I do produce a good piece of work, my pain-body doesn’t calm down. It simply moves on to the next goalpost. My mind shifts them, like the carrot dangling in front of the donkey’s snout.
I see how all these examples fall back onto one single belief system:
I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with how I show up, with what I do, with who I am.
This, of course, is seen through the eyes of the ego-mind-monster, as I like to call it. It’s talking me down, making me small, and keeping me there.
What is behind this? Where does this come from? I could dive deeper into therapy, look at my inner child, or work with past-life healings. I have done all of this.
But is this the approach I need? Is this the next mountain I need to climb on my Inner Journey to Healing and Self-Discovery?
Or is this one simpler?
Maybe this one has to do with finally accepting who I have become. I have worked on my emotional, spiritual, and physical self. Maybe it is time for my mind to catch up. Maybe it is time for me to observe, just like Eckhart Tolle suggests, and to finally cut through the old pain that “I am not worthy”.
Maybe it’s time to rethink myself.
What about a new pattern?
“I am enough.”
