Why is My Inner Journey Not Ending in the Bliss of Enlightenment?

Climbing mountain after mountain on my way to enlightenment - are we there yet? (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

I’ve tried so hard to change but I still feel frustrated

Self-growth. Inner journey. Personal development.

Buzz words that never resonated with me until I stumbled into the field of self-exploration for myself.

I’ve been on this journey for almost eight years and still frequently ask myself:

• Why should I do this?

• Why do I even bother?

• What’s the point?

• Is this ever going to end?

Mere accident started me on my inner journey, or so it seemed back then.

In hindsight, this was a beautifully orchestrated entry point towards inner growth, but when I first walked through the door, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

All I wanted was help for one of our children which was why I engaged with a therapist. I’d love to see the face I pulled when the therapist told me I had to work on myself. Then again, this might have been the only way to propel me onto this path. I would do almost anything for my children.

So, I started to work on myself. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea I’d lose almost all my social contacts, spend years in a “cave” trying to sort through my own inner issues, or that I would feel pain and grief amounting to lifetimes.

I had no idea I’d be close to giving up at least three hundred and fifty-five times and how hard it would be to keep going. I had no idea this would completely change my lifestyle, my world views, and the way I move through my day.

I still frequently get to the point where I feel I don’t care anymore, where everything feels overwhelming, and I can’t grasp the light at all.

In those moments, I feel frustrated.

I have tried so hard. I have changed so much.

• Where is the reward?

• Why do I never feel like “this is it”?

• Why am I not filled with the eternal bliss of enlightenment?

• Why is my life not brimming with success?

When I allow myself to get to the bottom of this, I see the flaws. I feel like there should be compensation, a kind of reward, for all the pain I’ve shouldered, and I am waiting for this every day.

Yet, it is not coming, not in the sense that I feel it should happen, such as a boost of my blog post readers into infinity or several book publishers competing for my work.

These are external gratifications.

I equal success with external appreciation.

Still!

I know this is not what the inner journey is about. I understand. But there is a difference in understanding mentally and in embodying this wisdom.

My knee injury at the beginning of this year slowed me down. I now see why this knee incident happened. I was still pushing too hard, expecting too much from myself, always aiming for the distant future.

I approached the shaping of my body yet again from an external perspective. It hurts to admit this, but mentally, I do understand. I am not there yet. I have not yet reached that level where I am content with the present moment and with who I am.

So often, my mind comes in and tells me all of those stories, whispering to me of successes, but today, I am asking back: Who defines success?

Can I redefine success for myself?

Could this be the next step of learning and surrender; to understand the only thing that matters is peace of the heart?

And that this peace sits on the inside and can never be satisfied in any way through external factors?

Can I allow myself to drop into this state of being without racing after external validation?

Can I allow myself to no longer get entangled in the twisted symbols of external appreciation?

Can I allow myself to finally let go and follow the wisdom of my heart?

Can I allow myself to let go of control and to trust in my innate beauty?

It might be worth giving this a go.