We are All Masculine and Feminine

Bridging the differences (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

And why each of us is part of curing humanity

I am a woman. I look like a woman. I have all the necessary attributes to classify as a woman.

So why do I sometimes struggle with identifying as a woman? Why do I feel unrecognized for who I am? Why do I feel my ‘female’ qualities are less worthy? Why do I deny myself being bold, wild, outgoing, and crazy?

Is this also true for other women?

Women account for half the world’s population

Could such a large number of human beings not feel recognized for who they are? Are we denying ourselves our divinity? Do we not see ourselves as the beautiful, divine, powerful, gorgeous human beings we are meant to be?

I love wearing dresses, skirts, bracelets, colors, and my wild curls. When I was a teenager, I wore jeans and hoodies; the classic teenager uniform in the ‘90s. It fitted in with what everyone else was wearing.

I did not dare step out of the line.

Why not? Why did I not feel comfortable to wear what I loved? Where did this fear come from? This fear of being different. This fear of being noticed. This fear of being seen.

I grew up in a pretty village. It was suffocating. Every time I did something that did not fit with the norm, everyone knew the next day. Kissed that boy at a party? Yep, everyone smirked the morning after. Got smashed. Yip, heard it already (again, huh?). Not that I ever did anything terrible. But my little side steps into exploring my innate power did not go down well. I am not proud of everything I did, but I suppose this was part of growing up. Part of me rebelled against being normal, being held captive in patterns, and labelled. It made me who I am today.

I couldn’t wait to leave.

What happened to me as a woman:

Later, in my mid-twenties, when I secured a high-profile corporate job, I was the one young lady between alpha middle-aged males. I remember being yelled at on the phone because of a decision I passed on from my boss. Back then, I considered it normal. This was the way business was run, wasn’t it?

On another occasion, one of these leaders told me I was personally responsible for a gap of forty million Euros in the P&L statement. (I wasn’t.) He managed to intimidate me for the rest of my time working for that company.

Once, I went out to lunch with a project manager to discuss the next steps. Or so I thought. He asked me when I would come to his place so we could have a play of a different kind. After all, I was always sporting a short skirt. That was an obvious invitation, wasn’t it? I did not even know how to answer. But, apparently, it was not safe to wear what I wanted.

I am not putting these stories out here for judgement.

I have forgiven myself and everyone involved

I am sharing these experiences to illustrate how broken the system was, and most likely still is.

Back then, I was largely on my own. I did not have a mentor to coach me through these experiences. I was a young woman, confused by the power display and my own involvement. I was unsure how to handle these situations because I was inexperienced. Whenever I followed my instincts and brought in my ‘female’ qualities, I got smacked and swiftly forced back into line. I started doubting myself. I assumed their way was the right way to go about business. I did not know any other way.

Back then, I did not understand, but today, almost twenty years later, I can see these events through a different lens.

I suppose, I was a trigger.

I triggered fears.

These men’s senses of purpose must have been linked to outer success, in whatever way this was defined. I could imagine they lacked inherent trust and belief in themselves, most likely caused by childhood trauma, as I daresay is the case with all of us. They were not acting from an awakened, integrated perspective, but reacting. They were being played, like puppets on a string, by their egos, trauma and trigger systems, again, like most of us.

What if we linked my personal experiences to the larger story of women?

We have been male dominated for thousands of years. While reviewing history of the last two thousand years, it struck me, maybe for the first time, how history, in our Western definition, really comes down to one male-driven power struggle after the next.

Invasion.

Conflict. War. Repeat.

Rarely was there a woman involved.

Where on this track did we, the females, get pushed into these corners? When did we succumb? Why did we get labelled?

If we linked this to my personal story, this would mean all of this was also because of fear. Fear of women of being themselves. Fear of men, though I do not know what would be at the core of this. Do men fear the power of women? Do they fear what women represent?

Is this about those allegedly ‘feminine’ characteristics, like emotionality, empathy, sensitivity, creativity, the ability to nurture?

Personally, I don’t believe these values are reserved for women only.

These are human traits. They mark us as humans. They apply to every human being, regardless of their gender.

Men have access to these traits as well. But do they allow themselves to go there? A few men I know do. Many don’t. But I don’t want to judge anyone. I am trying to understand where we are at, so that we can move forward together.

Looking back at my own story, I can see how I eventually decided it was unsafe to be ‘me’. It was not safe to show and act based on my feminine values. Rather, it seemed dangerous. I tucked my feminine power away. I remember consciously deciding this had to stop. What I did not realize at that point was that I also cut the cord of my life force.

I cut it straight out of me. Whatever pulsed through me giving me zest for life, I shut away. It was not safe. I did not want it any longer. It was not okay to be this way. I stopped. I complied. Moving forward, I was going to play by the masculine force. Only.

Today, I can see what I did. I deprived myself half of my being. I denied those gifts. I denied my innate female beauty.

Where did this lead to?

It made me ill. My mental health suffered. My body suffered.

I spent the last seven years recovering. It was a tough journey. However, I feel almost whole again and I know the last factor to fully bring me back: allowing my feminine power to resurface.

It will be different from when I was younger. I am not as inexperienced. I have learned much about myself. For me, it feels safe to let this part of me shine again. I know it will not lead me into dark corners again because I have fully committed to my life values which are a lot stronger than when I was in my mid-twenties. And if a situation comes up again that requires me to rely on them, I know that I can respond like a queen.

I also believe there is only one way to get us back into balance.

Every human being, regardless of gender, needs to heal.

Everyone will have to be brave enough to really see who they are, what their values are, and how to bring love and compassion back into their own lives. First, make ourselves whole again. This means integrating all our parts. Then this can extend to everyone else.

We are all masculine and feminine

Each one of us carries the so called ‘gender-specific’ traits. When we allow ourselves to open up again into the beauty of those divine traits, we can heal ourselves, the human race, and our planet.

This is not about diminishing one gender. This is not about giving more power to one gender over the other. This is not about blaming one gender or the other.

This is about working together with compassion. This is about acknowledging our own, unique, divine beauty.

What are we waiting for?