I Had to Disappear to Become Present

It is okay to simply “be” (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

Why I stopped doing and started being

I spent the last few years healing, changing, and moving into ‘being’.

‘Being present in the moment’

Looking back over these challenging times, I ask myself:

What have I achieved?

Compared against Western standards which call for tangible, measurable results and reaching goals, I don’t think I can put a lot on my plate.

I haven’t published my book.

I haven’t earned a new degree.

I haven’t worked hard for more money.

Instead, I pulled myself back. I put my social life on hold. I cut many commitments. I literally stopped. I spent a lot of time catching my breath, sleeping, and following what felt good for me: sports, walking in nature, taking care of my children. However, this new-found balance was not built on strong foundations. Whenever something upset me, I needed half a day to re-calibrate by sitting in the sun having a coffee, napping, or meditating.

In those moments, the voice would come from within:

This is lazy. Laziness to its fullest extent. You need to do something. You need to justify being here. You have to work. Don’t slump, be productive.

I struggled with this voice a lot. It made me feel guilty and ashamed. It was the same voice that pushed me forward in the first forty years of my life.  

I was always the one who volunteered for every role, showed up at every event, organized fundraisers, arranged gifts, and took care of everyone. People used to count on me.

She can do it. This is perfect for her. She’ll be there. She’ll take care of it.

They left me with the problems, whatever they were, to clean up. Of course, there are always two sides to the equation. I allowed this to happen. I thought I had to fulfill this role to be accepted. I believed I had to give of myself to be worthy. I could not see any worthiness in just ‘being me’.

This pattern changed dramatically. Suddenly, I was putting my own needs first.

Others perceived this as egoistic, self-centered, and rude

In hindsight, this might be understandable. It was a drastic change to who I had been before. I never explained to anyone what was going on because, back then, I did not understand myself.

I would love to tell you that I calmly observed my detrimental patterns, made the decision to upgrade my life, and swiftly executed the necessary shifts,, communicating the changes with confidence as I was going along.

This is not how it happened.

My body forced me to change. I had no choice. I did not have any power or energy left to keep pushing through as I always had. I couldn’t. I was exhausted. There were countless days filled with pain that left me drained, empty and deprived. It got to a point where everything was too much. I succumbed.

I spent my days crying, sleeping, meditating, and journaling.

I gave myself space to heal

Still, during those times of healing, after having the odd motion of feeling energized, I’d jump straight back into responsibilities, only to be pushed back to the ground the day after; sometimes even in the same afternoon.

I had not yet healed enough.

I had not yet learned enough.

It was too early.

In hindsight, I find it shocking how unwell I had to be before I started looking at the actual causes behind my exhaustion. I kept blaming my low iron levels, or toxins in the food or water.  

I never looked at myself and how my daily choices contributed to my unwell-being

Toxins were a major cause behind my exhaustion, but there was more to it.

• Heavy metals were intoxicating my body.

• The Epstein-Barr-Virus was straining my organs.

• My diet was putting an additional strain on my body.

• My intestines were not working well which meant I was lacking nutrients.

• Emotional and energetic toxins were draining my energy.

• I was not keeping my boundaries or a sense of healthy self.

• I was out of alignment with my purpose and values.

• I was suppressing my inner life forces of joy, bliss and grace, instead forcing myself into control mechanisms which added extra pressure.

• I denied myself the right to a bountiful life.

I have done much inner work in the past few years to rectify all of these. You can follow some of my journey in my blog.

This work was not matched with a paycheck

But I can feel it on the inside. I feel so much better. I have moments when I am at peace with who I am and how I am. I am more radiant and my body feels more aligned. I have shifted many inner paradigms.

However, the voice is still there. It has changed its narrative, smart as it is:

There is still a major belief system you need to heal. Go and have another session! You need to learn how to meditate better. Book a meditation class, it will help you. You can advance quicker on your spiritual path when you keep showing up.

I listen to it, most of the time.

But what if I reacted to it differently?

What if I smiled and said:

Yes, I know. It’s okay because there will always be the next step to take, the next class to enroll in, or the next lesson to be learnt.  But, today is the time to appreciate and congratulate myself, to extend gratitude for everything I have learned and managed to shift, to allow myself to be proud and savor the moment.

Maybe this answer is the best form of applying all the spiritual lessons I’ve learned so far, by acknowledging and extending compassion to all parts of myself.

And just being.