How Publishing My First Book Has Been an Emotional Roller-Coaster
My inner saboteur whispering into my ear (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)
How it feels to put my work out there
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So, I’ve published my first book. It’s sitting there, waiting to be read. I am, however, not 100% sure if I even want it to be read.
This feels scary. I’m putting myself out there. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this book. It is a children’s book and I love the story. But will everyone else? How will everyone react? Will anyone even like my book?
I suppose I’m not the first to have this kind of self-doubt. Anxiously, I’m waiting for feedback. Most of the few people who’ve bought the book (all of whom I know personally) haven’t said anything. Is this a good sign? Is this a bad sign? My mind is creating stories, trying to fill in the blanks and what is left unsaid.
But wait. Maybe I am overreacting.
Maybe this is not a sign. Just because this book is important and vital for me at this moment, doesn’t mean it will have the same impact on other people. I know I need to let go of this. Everyone is on their own journey and perceives through their own unique perspective. There could be many reasons for not receiving any feedback. Maybe the others are busy and haven’t read the book yet. Maybe the book absolutely met their expectations and it feels perfect as it is, no feedback needed.Or maybe I am the one blocking any feedback because I am so scared about being judged.
Ultimately, this boils down to the ancient topic of “Am I enough?”. This can never be answered by an outsider. I know this. I need to answer this for myself. I need to be confident this is a great story and that it will make its path and find its way.
I know a little (or large?!) saboteur is sitting by my side. I can tune into his energy. He’s grinning while whispering into my ear: “Maybe the story isn’t great. Maybe it’s not as funny as you thought. Maybe it’s just plain boring.”
I know this saboteur very well. It has been with me from the start of the project, resurfacing again and again, delaying me, making me postpone the next step, and having me wonder if I should move ahead. It is not easy to deal with this kind of energy.
Caroline Myss talks about the energy of the saboteur in her description of archetypes. According to Myss we are all touched by the saboteur:
The Saboteur archetype is made up of the fears and issues related to low self-esteem that cause you to make choices in life that block your own empowerment and success. … you need to face this powerful archetype that we all possess and make it an ally. When you do, you will find that it calls your attention to situations in which you are in danger of being sabotaged, or of sabotaging yourself. Once you are comfortable with the Saboteur, you learn to hear and heed these warnings, saving yourself untold grief from making the same mistakes over and over. Ignore it, and the shadow Saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behavior or the desire to undermine others.
Since I’ve started paying attention to my inner saboteur, I’ve noticed a pattern. Every time a new opportunity comes up, like making a podcast or doing readings of my book online, the voice comes back: “Look, this video hasn’t had many views yet. Told you so!”
This form of feedback doesn’t help because the moment I buy into it, I step into the trap of “self-fulfilling prophecy”. In such a moment, I focus on what is not there, instead of seeing what I have achieved.
I could take on a different perspective and counter the voice:
“Well, this video has had over thirty views, isn’t that amazing?”
“I’ve just sold another copy of my book, I’m so proud.”
“Who else could benefit from the story, I think I’ll donate a few copies to schools and children’s hospitals!”
This is one way of turning my story around; the art of gaining a higher perspective. The saboteur energy helps me hone this skill. As the saboteur grows cheekier and pulls out new tricks, I train myself to remain calm and focus on my core truth:
I love the story. I love the book. I have poured my heart and my soul into this book and I can feel it. It will create joy where it is meant to go and that is enough. I trust the process.
I now see my saboteur as an ally, most of the time. I imagine him as a person. He’s allowed to deliver his opinion and then I thank him for keeping me safe and I ask him to step back. There is no need to protect me from a false pretense any longer. If there is a message I need to heed, I will feel it in my body and react appropriately.
