Raising Kids Who Speak Their Truth: The Birthday Party

It’s birthday time! Haven’t you grown? (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

Dealing with the social expectations

When our son’s fifth birthday approached, I set him the task to name his party guests. He was so excited: his birthday was coming up! It had been forever and longer since his last birthday! He was going to have cake, there would be presents, and he would be the center of the universe. It was going to be an important day. He was shaking with joy.

He took his job very seriously and promptly listed who he wanted to celebrate with.

At the time, we were living as an expat family in Poland and regularly hung out with a handful of other families. They all had kids around the same age and we spent many afternoons rotating through the playgrounds or each other’s gardens. Naturally, I expected our son to invite the peers from his age group. Not the siblings, of course, but all the others.

He picked all but one.

I swallowed. Maybe he forgot about her? I inquired with a smile.

No, he didn’t forget about her. He just didn’t want her at his party. That was all.

I grew hot in the face. I hadn’t anticipated this. This was a problem. What should I do? Maybe he’d change his mind later. I’d been early as I like to be organized. I let the topic slip and decided to get back to it.

After a week, I brought the subject up again. For sure, he would not remember. Or he’d have thought about it and realized how ridiculous it was that he was inviting everyone, but this one girl.

He remembered his list as if it was imprinted on his mind. He also stayed very firm with the decision not to have this one particular girl.

I had underestimated the powers of my son. I dove in deeper. I asked about the reasons.

There wasn’t a particular reason. He just didn’t want to.

Would he consider changing his mind?

He wouldn’t.

In the following weeks, this scenario played out again and again. I pointed out how the girl would feel. I begged. I threatened. I got angry. I was frustrated.

He did not budge.

Finally, it dawned on me.

One of our parenting principles had always been to respect our children’s voice and opinions

Or so we thought.

This principle was being tested.

I had failed.

Big time.

I had not stuck to my own values. I felt ashamed. I had put my own guilt, social pressure, group pressure, and everything else above my boy’s opinion. Did it matter why he did not want to invite the girl? Did he have to come up with a reason to satisfy my own hurt and pains, my own childhood trauma of not being invited to parties, of being the odd one out? Did he have to play this one out?

He didn’t.

In hindsight, I admire how strong and solemnly he passed through the experience.

He taught me an important lesson. I read about this in “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle:

“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.”

Glennon Doyle, “Untamed” to her daughter.

What a powerful message.

Back then, I had been sending the wrong message. I had dismissed the value of my son’s voice.

I pulled my guts together to explain to the mum what was going on and why her daughter would not be invited to our son’s party.

I’d love to say how beautifully and adult-like both of us handled the situation.

We didn’t.

There was much pain and hurt involved. I know I could have communicated better, but I did not know how. I was torn between everyone else’s expectations. I had given my power away.

Today I know, this was not about the children, but about the uncleared issues of the adults involved. Children are testing and learning how to navigate this world. They are trying to find out where their space is. If we do not offer them the chance to explore in their young years, who will teach them? When will they learn? And what will be their takeaway?

What if we modeled to our children how to solve conflict without bringing in judgement? What if we taught them that uncomfortable feelings, like disappointment, are part of the human experience – just as much as joy? What if we managed to solve our own trauma without passing it on to the next generation?

We moved to another country about six months later. I have to admit that we never really cleared up the issue. If she reads this, I hope she can forgive me and herself, as much as I have forgiven her and myself.

I’d also like to add the issue resurfaced about eight years later when I had a long talk with our daughter. She had been three years old at that time. The incident had imprinted on her memory. Her take-away had been:

“It is not safe to voice my opinion.”

She had always been someone who waited for everyone else to express their wishes before sliding in with what most people wanted. I had been trying to get her to speak her own truth. It had been difficult. When we finally understood where this belief system stemmed from, I broke down in tears.

Again, I had underestimated the power of my actions.

I teach by example.

I will be more vigilant of what I teach in the future.