Parenting with Depression: Our Kids as Mirrors

Eventually, the pressure needs to release (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

How my kids reflected my hidden self back to me

I was not the best parent to be around during my health crisis. I cannot recall every single incident, but I know I could totally lose it at my kids.

 I love them with all my heart. However, I was not my best self.

It could happen anytime; when I had not slept well, felt sick, worried, or merely hungry! In those moments, a not-so-nice side of me could sneak through.

My situation, though, was even worse. I was stuck in a loop of grayness.

I did not yell at my kids every day. I was too controlled for that. But, eventually, the pressure valve would burst and all the locked up anger would spill out.

I was so ashamed of my own behavior that I would scold myself silently for weeks to come until I managed to seal away this piece of horrendous evidence in the depths of my soul. This way I did not have to look at that nasty part of me any longer.

I do believe that I apologized to my kids every time. This was the least I could do.

What it can mean when your children oppose you

During those times, I found it especially difficult to deal with our young daughter. She seemed to be pressing my buttons over and over again.

The kids had a few duties. One of them was tidying up their rooms. Our daughter could not be bothered. She plainly refused to do any work at all. She would just sit there and not respond to anything I said.

We tried different concepts. We offered to clean the room with her. We tried to bribe her; which never led to anything.  We tried to work with consequences, as in cancelling dessert privileges. Nothing changed. After a few months of experimenting with different avenues I could already feel my temper rising before it was time to clean up. This happened in pure anticipation of her reaction! Sure enough, when I approached her to remind her of her duties, she did not even respond. It was as if she had pulled up the draw bridge of her fortress and there was no coming through. She could be extremely cranky in those moments. Later, she would complain I had screamed at her.

Get this straight: I was constantly working on making sure my voice did not slip into a high pitched scream. I thought I was controlling it pretty well and it made me angry when she accused me. Instead, I felt our daughter was completely unmanageable.

I had run out of ideas. What should I do?

Answers came from an unexpected angle.

How looking at my kids finally made me look at myself

During my health crisis, I did a lot of reading. Around that time I came across a book that stated,

“Your kids act as your mirror.”

What was that about? I did not fully understand the concept, but this sentence stuck with me. I mulled it over. Questions started to arise within me. 

• What if kids really were our mirrors?

• What if they did reflect our own behavior back to us?

• What if we got triggered by the parts that we did not like in ourselves?

The questions scared me. Maybe, in the end, I would be the one who had to change my behavior and take on responsibility? I tried to push those thoughts away, but another way of looking at the situation had opened up and it was impossible to close that door again.

By now, I had mastered the courage to seek professional help with my mental health issues. In one of the very first sessions, my coach addressed my relationship with my children. 

“You see your children as your projects. This is not what they are. You always want them to be perfect and, in your opinion, this is not going fast enough or their behavior is not getting you the results you want. You feel like you are investing a lot, but there is no return. You feel that you are not properly doing the job of raising your kids. Your self-worth depends on the development of the kids. This is not your children’s fault and it is not their doing. It is YOU doing this to yourself. You have all these high expectations and this perfectionism because you lack self-love. By this, I mean loving every part of yourself. Your next step is to show up differently. You need to travel into your shadows and work through all the parts of yourself that you do not love. You have been judging yourself and you have been judging your kids the same way. Your children are perfect just the way they are.”

She went into more details regarding our young daughter.

 “Your daughter feels scared, because she feels she is not good enough, just as you feel about yourself. Your daughter is a free spirit and she actually needs to be nurtured, cuddled, and acknowledged. Focus on the great things she does. Allow her to understand that she does not need to succeed at everything. Love your children the way they are. And, above all, love yourself the way you are.”

I swallowed hard.

This whole issue suddenly revolved around me

That was not what I’d wanted to hear.

It was not easy to take on. I had to go home and let it sink in. I had homework to do. I was going to observe how I reacted to my children.

I used meditation as a tool. My mind was going bonkers telling me why it was a bad idea to honestly look at myself. But I kept going anyway:

I was caught up in the process of needing full control over my kids’ lives. I finally saw how I defined myself by how my kids showed up in the world. I cringed every time they did something that I felt was not appropriate. I wanted them to show up as perfect little adults: Well-mannered, groomed, polite, on time, studious, diligent, successful!

What I did not want was for them to cause stress, delay me, not follow the rules, or simply have their own ideas!

I tried robbing them of their own unique, gorgeous identities by imposing on them my ideals which were totally distorted.

I expected my children to live up to a perfect image that I had constructed in my mind! It was influenced by my own childhood experiences, pains, stories, and patterns. I did not acknowledge the beauty, the gorgeousness, or the fun in them.

This was tough to see.

I did not know what to do with this, so I followed what felt natural. I cried for hours. There was so much frustration sitting inside of me begging to be released. Most of my meditations ended in tears. The voice inside of me finally stopped in those moments. Afterwards, I always felt empty, but strangely released and lighter.

This process lasted for months, maybe even years. I think I am still working on it today.

My silent scream is audible

Much later, I also finally understood what had been going on when my daughter complained about being screamed at. Maybe my voice had been on a ‘normal’ level, but inside I had not been calm. She had been reading my expectations and emotions and that prompted her reaction.

My kids are very sensitive. And so am I.