HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

… to give myself the love I deserve (source: own)

Why it is so important to be gentle with myself

Sunday, May 10th. Mother’s Day.

I woke up first. Lying awake in bed I felt a grey mass of grief clouding my chest.

 It spoke to me demanding where my appreciation was.

I am a mother of three beautiful children. I love them more than anything in the world. But sometimes everything feels too much.

Who appreciates what I do? Whoever appreciates what any mother does? Silently, quietly, day in and day out, running the house like a machine…

Making sure the favorite sandwich topping never runs out.

Keeping the clean socks coming.

Holding the child when it is in emotional turmoil; singing a song when it is hurt; making it feel safe.

Teaching how life on this planet works – about the importance of cleaning the teeth, or saying thank you.

Making sure my children eat healthily.

Perseverance. How many times have I found myself back on square one, feeling none of the time and love invested has brought us forward? But still, I kept on going. Every single day.

Facing the storm when I need to say no – to a second serving of dessert, additional screen time, or to staying up longer, because someone needs to teach them what serves their bodies and minds.

Letting them run off without their lunchboxes, resisting the urge of following them to drop it at school. Allowing them to make their own mistakes and be on their own journey. Stepping back when the time is right and letting them explore, remaining in the background – ready, when they call. This has probably been the hardest lesson for me and I still have not mastered it.

The tears I have cried because of my children are uncountable.

Yet, this is not their responsibility, these are my tears. I chose to be a mum and all of this came with the job description.

So, why do I expect appreciation?

What does appreciation even mean?

Do I want to be spoilt? Do I want recited poems and expensive gifts? Do I want them to take over my chores for the day?

When I look at it, I need to admit that I do not want any of this. When I feel into my heart, I know how much they appreciate me, every single day. I can feel their love.

What is it then? What is the grief about?

I can feel how very little I appreciate myself. I do not grant myself any respect for what I do. I swallow hard and try to find a little something that resonates and makes me feel proud of who I am. It is difficult.

Finally, this is what I get.

“I have not given up. I am still here. I am standing every day, facing my demons.”

Is this all?

That is all. I do not have more to give to myself for today.

The grief in my chest explodes and tears stream down my face.

I will try again the next day. Maybe I will find appreciation for myself and for who I am, for my values and my commitment.

Because the truth is, how can I accept and feel appreciation from others if I do not even know how to give it to myself?

Maybe it was time I was a little more gentle.