What my Body did to Make me Listen to Myself

In the depths of my depression (Image courtesy of worldofmiri.com)

Why listening to your gut is more than a metaphor…

In the depths of the deepest depression of my life, following a move to Australia that uprooted me from everything I knew in Europe, I started working on my diet in an effort to find a way out of my despair and pain.

My emotional state was manifesting physically.

Most days my skin was breaking out and I felt exhausted. I had tummy pains. I felt tired and depleted. My left wrist was in chronic pain. I was always thirsty, but water could not satisfy me. It was like walking around with a major hang-over; only without drinking.

Feeling into my guts

I was looking for answers when a friend recommended I see a naturopath to help with my diet. I could not see how my diet would trigger any of the above. After all, I had been eating the same way almost all of my life and I had been fine. Why should this be any different?

But I was desperate and I knew I had to start somewhere. I decided to give it a go.

I booked an appointment. The naturopath worked with iridology, a diagnostic tool where health information is reflected in the iris of a person. Scanning my eyes, she remarked that my gut and liver did not seem to be working well. She went on to interview me in detail about my bowel movements.

“How often did I go to the toilet? What did my faeces look like? How many pieces were there?”

I must have been as red as a ripe tomato. Answering these questions involved admitting I was actually peeping into the toilet bowl! I learnt there was a “top bowel movement criteria list” from which I maybe scored a 3 out of a 10. That was rather confronting.

I was not sure what the fuss was about, so the naturopath explained that many health issues can stem from a gut that is not working at its best. She advised me to stay away from milk and reduce the gluten. She also put me on a herbal detox to help my liver release toxins.

I did not understand how my gut health should be responsible for the rest of my body not working well

I had difficulty imagining how a change in my diet might make me feel better. After all, had I not grown up with milk and bread every day? Why should there be any issues with this now?

Still, I decided to give the naturopath’s recommendations a go. I was not feeling well. I did not have a lot to lose. In my opinion, I only had to substitute my daily latte for a long black with a tiny dash of milk. That did not seem too overwhelming.

To my greatest surprise, dropping my lattes made a huge difference. It took a few days for the skin on my arm and hand to recover and the terrible itching to stop, but eventually it healed.

I still consumed lots of cheese, though. Whenever I indulged in a cheese feast, the pain in my wrist would escalate the next day. However, I did not want to make the connection, so I pretended that the wrist pain did not belong to me. This way I would not have to deal with the logical consequences.

Who wants to live with a wrist that erupts into seemingly random fits of pain? I certainly didn’t. I pushed the sensation away.

The pain and pleasure of detoxification

The herbs for the liver detox had a bitter taste, but I loved them. I could feel how my body craved whatever was in them. I enjoyed how they were running down my throat. It felt like life energy injected into my body.

What I had not foreseen was my overall crankiness. I was grumpy! My whole body was aching. I had a tremendous headache every morning and my energies did not feel great at all.

It did not help that I started the detox while on a holiday with my parents. Every evening, we sat together and had a glass of wine. In the morning, I would wake up with the worst headache. I could not understand why my body was reacting to the alcohol so strongly. It had never done this before!

Only later did I grasp what “detoxing” means

The toxins that had been accumulating in my organs were being released. They were surging through my body as they exited. Toxins, as the term already suggests, trigger a major alarm in any body. All of my systems were working overtime ushering out the waves of toxins while I was simultaneously intoxicating myself anew; namely with alcohol! No wonder my body went into a full-on reaction.

I admit I had not been aware what a detrimental effect alcohol had on my body. I had always loved my little booze. It helped me relax and feel more confident. Coming from Germany, I had grown up in a country where alcohol was part of the national culture. Every occasion was celebrated with a glass of wine or beer. If you were the one not drinking, you were weird.

I was also surprised by the amount of toxins I had apparently been holding in my body.

Where had they all come from?

I followed the same eating rules I knew from growing up and I had never questioned this lifestyle. After all, I was not intoxicating myself voluntarily, who would do this? Only later did I learn about the amount of toxins we are exposed to every day and how they can get stuck in your body; car fumes, chemical toxins in plastic products, heavy metals in fish, and pesticides to name only a few.

I made it through my first detox and managed to limit my dairy intake.

I admit that I was not taking the low gluten approach very seriously until, one day, we went into the city. A German bakery was selling freshly baked pretzels, something I had grown up on. I devoured the pretzel. It was hot, soft on the inside and crisp from the outside; a feast! Half an hour later, my brain shut down. I was overcome by such a wave of tiredness I could only stumble through the streets, barely keeping my eyes open. I was not able to enjoy our day in the city at all. It took two hours before my energy returned.

I thought back to what the naturopath had recommended. The next day, I switched to gluten-free bread.

Iron does not make all structures strong

Despite all these changes, I still felt tired.

Thinking about this, I realized I had been in a state of tiredness most of my adult life. In fact, whenever I called my parents and they asked how I was, my standard reply was ‘tired’. I had also always been a very active person. I had never allowed myself to rest during the day. Sitting still felt impossible so I continuously bounced around, tending to something. This way, I had been able to avoid giving my constant tiredness any attention. I told myself that this was simply who I was. I had not yet heard of anything like “chronic fatigue” or other explanations. I mainly attributed my tiredness to a lack of iron. This was based on the fact that I had been iron–depleted during my pregnancies and because I was not a big meat-eater. Iron is mainly delivered via meat, isn’t it? That’s how I understood it.

My doctor did a blood test and a lack of iron showed up. Now that I knew what my issue was, I loaded myself up with chemically derived iron supplements. The doctor had advised me to take high doses. What we never spoke about were the potential side effects.

Iron, especially the non-natural version, can destroy your gut layers, as I would soon find out

Here I was, trying to repair my gut with the help of a naturopath while simultaneously destroying it with harsh iron pills. Not such a brilliant idea.

After about 18 months my entire digestive system lay in ruins. At that time, I was not aware of the detrimental effect iron supplements can have, so I continued taking them. By that time, I had already destroyed most of my gut flora. Not that I was aware of this. I only managed to put the pieces of the jigsaw together a lot later.

Back then, I would wake up at night with sharp pains in my stomach. Something inside of me told me that I had developed a stomach ulcer. I was filled with fear. I remember lying in bed, sweating and breathing hard, not knowing what to do, feeling completely overwhelmed. I did not consult my doctor because I was too afraid of what he would tell me; instead I thought all of this would simply go away if I looked after myself better and if I just kept taking my supplements.

With the stomach pains being strong, I knew I had to take my diet changes to the next level. I stopped drinking. By then my body was so ruined, that it could not handle the alcohol any longer. Even a tiny sip of wine would send me into a major headache after minutes. There was no more booze to enjoy because the hang-over kicked in straight away. I had no other choice, but it felt awkward.

How would I be able to socialize and keep up the easy, happy version of myself that I kept presenting to the outside world? I did not tell anyone about any of these problems. I felt I owed the world a happy face. And if I actually started talking about it, that would mean I had to face myself, which I did not want. Denial seemed so much easier.

My body is a house of bricks

There came one night when I could not cope any longer.

The pain was too strong and the fear almost killed me right there. My intuition must have managed to break through and drop me a message. I decided to seek out the advice of a different doctor. We did several tests: blood, ultrasound, urine, you name it. Finally, he diagnosed me to be Vitamin B deprived. I learned for the first time that stress can lead to deficiencies because a body under pressure requires more minerals and vitamins than usual. When there is a deficiency, standard body functions cannot run at their best because every process in the body relies on certain building blocks. To be honest, I had never questioned my body and how it did what it was supposed to do. It had always been there and simply functioned.

I had taken it for granted.

No one had ever explained to me how the basic components, like vitamins and minerals, build the body. I understood for the first time that all the nutrients actually play a vital role in keeping our body up and running. I also saw why the gut was so important; this was where the essential building blocks for my body were extracted from the food that I consumed.

I compared the concept to building a LEGO house.

If you do not have the right building blocks, in the right colors, the right amount, and the right quality, you will not be able to build the house.

If you take away the base, because the bricks are needed elsewhere, the house may collapse.

If you do not invest into good quality bricks, the house will not stand for very long.

If the tool used for putting the bricks together breaks down, you will not be able to rebuild it at all.

It finally dawned on me.

My vital building blocks had been used to deal with my depression. Then, I had destroyed the tool that could provide new building blocks. I had deprived my body of its basics.

I was prescribed an enormous dosage of vitamin B’s and certain minerals, tailored to my needs. In my quest to boost my iron levels, I had overdone it and destroyed my stomach tissue and gut flora with the chemicals.

My gut was no longer able to do its work

I started with the vitamins. My mood improved. I could feel how my body relaxed. I had better days which was a huge step forward. Overall, I could feel my fitness levels improving.

Still, I continued to be tired and there were many days when nothing worked. But I had stepped onto the road to recovery.

Unfortunately, repairing the gut and body functions does not happen overnight! This was tricky for me to accept. I wanted my body to be fixed at once. Here, I had to be patient. It took almost two years for my gut to return to somewhat normal levels.

On this journey, I learned to observe my body. I paid attention and tuned into what worked and what did not. I developed a feeling for the kinds of food that were good for me and the ones that were not. I finally understood that the body is a complex system where everything is connected. I also noticed that everyone’s body is different and that, ultimately, I am the one knowing my body best. This can be very different from other people’s recommendations and experiences. I also learned that my body’s needs can change every day depending on the circumstances.

Today, I know it is key to find the unique balance of nutrients that my beautiful body needs — every day anew.